TRUST LIFE

so i get easily stressed i realized. i always thought i had a handle ont hings, but right now i feel scared and frustratrted confused and worried. i dont know where tolive. i dont know if i should go to humboldt, and i dont know who i would live with. I dont thinkiw ant to stay down here, i dont thinki want to go up there, and i strongly want to be uin both places. i have been feeling very goo lately and that has been bc of a combination o f my hfamily and having my firends, But soon these are goint to have to seperate. My freidns are going uip to humboldt. well a good majority of them, and my mother will still be here. My drinking has been undercontrol if not a litttle much but not terribnle yesterday, wa whole bottle o wine, i thinks its bc of stress. Living with Nahal? ditching bev? money? whats rights. I dont want to fight s i feel like it might be best to live alone. is nahal only being so nice bc if circumstance, bc when we werent potentially goignt obe livign together, she was not wantign to hang out, nd now its all about me. I dont know if she actieliek that from shame or if it really was just taking getting use to eahc other again.. I hasve been having so much fun down here. I think it might be healthiest for me to live alone. But money is a factor adn i like people waking friends. i also feel like if i live alone iw illl get left out, but tthat would jest be crumby beghavior and i shouldnt have to deal with that anyway. mag hasnt called me ttoau. Should i try and sleep agai?? i will go fofr a hike

i can image a few rather direct places i lost my head, or they could just be plain chemical inbalances... anyway middle school was definatly a rip adn a half on my selfcondifidence, leaving me questioning all my stregth, hormone change? yes, natural, yes? good yes?.... well the the introduction of love and alcohol, lost controla nd got heart sick constantly... maybe it was none of the above bc those are all natural situations and it was the realization that i could control them that really hut me, now i need to go on adn realize i cant controll an situation or person beside myself, although that seems to be a little less true in its own experience... fuck i feel fine but instead i am a fantaszing, "unsatifable bride"... yuck inleast i can critizize myself and viceversaly love myself.

sandal/flip flop dressish
ipod
up in flames-david sedaris
swim suit
sunglasses
mini fan

so i must start challenging myself a bit more... decided not to work tommorrow even though it woudl be G$$D. i need to work on friendship relationships bc they have been bothering me, i had a filled weekend of gforgoten memories, never any fun :( time to rebuild my concepts, unfortunatly i feel so different everyday that i lsmost feel insecure, your mind and your stomach are one, and i have not been taking care of mine, over eating and drinking is defianly a depression maker...
the forth is tomorrow and friends and music, hope i made the right decision, i am almost sure i did emotionally at least :0 tryignt be strong,
i am fantasizing about davis adn new situations, i thinki iwill have a housewarm party with some old henry peeps. tiem for a dg walk, i love golden retrivers, thats the dog i will have if i live alone, hopefull one day for a while :)

bc you'll speak your mind doesnt mean you smarter than anyone............
its easy to be mean but also it s more cahrming to be honest.. supportive

things havent been going the best i have been quite unproductive, i want a job and some emtion i have bneen getting myself into small troubles... mainly with alcohol and they arent terrible they work out alright but things keep going sketchy i feel like bad luck is in the air, or maybe its good luck.. either way i have not been creating or being active enough for me to be proud of, i feel mediocore... i cant decide when to go to davis and friendship relations have been terrible, i over plana dn underplan, i stress and miss and i need to get nahal a bday pres

i want to
go snorkeling
delmar fair
julian
work out and hike
zoo
i am
sitting in my house actually i am going to hang with the step bro who i havent seen in a long time, shoudl be intresting, maybe i can chack one my desires off the list

least i am peaceful

i feel like i have bneen disrespdectful to loved ones, mainly bryant and carrie, i feel crumby and hope it will be fixed.
i have been trying to be selfish and do whatever it is i want
i am so scared to see bry i stress way to much i feel uncomfortabnl;e and dont know if i am goign to be with philin davis or what
i cant stay here much longer i am runnign out of money adn i dont think i iwll get a job..... i guess i coud sell my eggs down here :/

i hope i am smarter than i give myself credit for, i am pretty sure i am, am i want to be confident, i think i end up "hating" my best freinds, alex adn phil and even bryant and at one point bci feel liek they are so much wiser adn more togethr than i am and i get jeaslous adn i want to latch on to them , thast why i am not mature enough for a relationshipo... okay enough of the self shit talking i am fucking beautiful adn lucky and have great intrests and i am give what i can give adn take what it there to be taken that is the foundation for a good relationship both contribute to a higher understending adn a better self, you learnt he most about yourself through otehrs i just shoudl eb so lazy i iknow writing adn reading make me feel great i need ot start a new book its been five days and i feel good letting this out, i have had fun getting back with people. i have been haveing fun with fashion adn i need to stop down grading that passion. i love clothes and the boday nad people, so i dont give a fuck if it can be interpeted materailistic or shallow, i wish i was more into writeing and music, which i am i just put my hobbies at a lower level... i have finaly come to terms that i am an alcoholic.. but mky drinkign come from sadness/fear and i face those fears even if i do it slwoly i shouldnt expect to know everythign or to be confident the best i can do is try and create...

i hurt so much i feel deep bad feelings inside for no apparent reason, but i beleive there is a reason, i promised myself not to think i am stupid and silly wheni feel these things any more and to stop appologizing so much, i dont know if other people feel as much hurt as me or if i thinkt o much about how they may be hurting anf over analze things, can you even do that vbecuase i i beleive we are in the web, but any way i am always jeaslous of everythign adn so critical of the world stuck in my own little bubble of limited words, i am not a real artist i do art becuas ei thiknks its right and cool, this is not totally true buyt i dotn know how deeply i was born witht he desire, i wnt to paint right no wbut i am so tired, am i laszy am i killing my head by always being with peopel. i love people i love their heads, i dont like techinical stuff, ;ike spelling or being clean, i slop everywhere and think people are always anger/annoyed with me or that they need want somkething, i ma trying to be selfish adn strong but i am always sorry just sorry for everyone includeing myself i feeling like i am cheating the world adn i am a cheap people pleaser, i am mean adn way to compasssionate, i am not trustworthy but proably the most honest person i know i fear that i am stupid adn boring and tis may be true but at least io am trying to know my self adn be hoest with myeslf and others. i love muself and am so proud, but then when i get bored i think how simple minded i am, i wguess i am just hirting right not, all the damn stimulates i take, cofee fucks me up but i drink probably 10 cups a day at least, i want to stop i want o get this book 'skinny bitch" but am ashamed to buy it, theres a small secert i am hold ing in...... i put so much value in other peopel thinking they know the answers and are so smart but i am fuckung do okay, i ma dong great, i have so much love adn giving people in my life and a very beautiful strong mind adn heart. i am ust scared i get so jeaslou of artists adn good writers adn peopel who can spend hours looking up informatipon on the internet, in general i would probably rather talk with a person and really really hoestly and discover the mind, peopels minds aare the most amazing things to me but its so hard to get someone to be hoest especially with themselves, adn then to respid honestly to them... secrets make us intresting, i have been snotty adn stucka up and selfloathing and bored.. bc i am telling myself to be??? fuck i feel the freedom leaking out over me over, so many conversations adn idea are in my head at once i talk and feel so jumbled mayeb that why i write like this, with no care for sentence structure or splelling it better represents how i feel i want free flowing thought but i wish it was a strong friver, thats wahat apeice of art work is afeelingshown. if only i could paint the pretty images in my head, and not feel lonely even though i want to be alone..... ugh.. i am worried without other peopel i woudl be nothing.. so does that make me nothing anyeway...

so i have been wanting to make a list of things i am sorry for reflecting back on highschool and 1 yr of collge, this is not an all encompassing list, and actually i know it does not need to be, these are thing i would like to say to people but they probably dont care and or hve forgotten, i doubt most of these people or anyone will read this list but i want to put t out into the universe on the off chance it will get back to them someone
i am sorry
when i said i would give poeple gas money and didnt, ostly 15 16 years-- ellie cornocova + more
for thinking i was right and most people were stupid
fr talking about sex at asb retreats
not listing to myslef
being into weight/physical appearnce
for getting shitfaced every night and being really sad
not likeing anyone
not standing up to people
not trying to have conversation i respected with anyone
being on asb
trying t be busy
not respecting other people
saying me things when i was hungover and grouchy
allowing dumbasses to be dumbasses--
saying a couple mean things to melinda
for bailing out on my best friedns adn becoming a faggy little popular follower


so laying in bed thinking i had a lot more but i m tying now and i a still sleepy i have been wanting to to do ths for soem days, it doesnr feel as rewarding as i would like and idont think these descriptions are very good either, but at lest it sout there.

good songs

seefeel-ruby-ha
ariel pink -shes my girl- loverboy
atlas sound-phantom blues again
mum
mia- jimmy
four tet- my angel babyrocks back and forth
britney spears- heaven on earth
freezepop- duct tape my heart
heartsrevolution- ultraviolence
girl talk- all
pass this on, the cop- the knife
niko- keep yours with mine
susie q- ccr
oakley hall
M83
talking heads- home
thulsa doom- both human
simon and garfunkle- slip and sliding- mabelline

okay i thought it would be nice to have a list i hope someone gives all these a chanceplease other people post up lists also

so i dig phil and we're happy, i have fun intresting nice good person, but i think its just time, i cant imagine living without him next year, espeically up here, what am i doing! i came here to be with him and now i am building some life of my own her?? reALLY is that smart, i would have two ex boyfriends up here, both of who i love but thats not the point. the point is i need to make a descion of what to do, even though alex john sam and ben was a slightly wierd (but still fun and good-- i decided i cuoldnt live with john and al) i was happier than i have been in forever, i have felt it wearing off today my hyperness, am i just romantizing them bc they are gone, i know i will do the same to phil once i dont live with him and be miserable, but i need to live alone, exitement, my own closest not seeing someone all the time and missing them, other people, the sun i want the sun, i want friends, i am so excit3ed and horribfied for sd,.... deep breath, punk rock shows el cajon blvd and mex food, the suna nd heat, bry will be gone all summer, i am going to buy a bike right away when i get back. and hopefully travel a bit, i dont know if i will work i should but last time it didnt work out too well... okay friends, mashell, i wonder if mashell will bve home, i have been wracking my head for people i want o be around and somewhere i want to live, i have found them but i cant seem to get the two things to work together. diana g is pretty strong she is stying up here and working for a while living ina strange plave, it makes my stomach cold, its saddness and it stops the eating evne the drinking....
io saw a funny shirt today, "time flys when your having rum" riewght this was a weird entry well i amwas trying an more focused wrting/realsease style while still actually putting whats coming into my head, i wish i could paint and draw pictures for the things i saw and play them as a video, in the future maybe instead of livejournals people will have image video journals, where o

my natural inclinations are towards people and their mind, physchology, sexaulity--(ohilosphy phsych and art?) and beauty i think i can/am a good poet i just actually have to write, so really i am nbothing but my head, i would also like to get into photography and pretty ladies., summer school? maybe hiopefully i will rest my mind and let descisioncome with tehir pwn time

i have this habit of loving everyone when i meet someone i like slightly i imagine a life and love with them , i try to figure out what they are insecure about and how they would be in bed, what they want and how we could grow together, so pretty much i fansizie about many people everyday, there are so many diffrent types of love, and i dont want love to be my purpose for existent, i think posseviness is natural instict, but the desire to stay with someone exclusively might come from nuture, i obviously cant seperate the two bc but maybe one day agfdGFDA stupid friechs shit

where do i go? i wanna know where should i go? wtf really school cold sun lonsome boring dark sunny flowers free stupid lazy wishful badbad


i feel like i am stuck in other peoples lives and that my own is just this space.. a very important space. i need more confidence i am continually trying to please and worry about people while still trying to be cool, who fuckjing trys to be cool? me well when i am not comfortable i try harder to have fun etc... so dont hang out with people your uncormfortable with right, i am not comfortable with anyone, as soon as i like someone i feel inadequate against them and then i turn hostile... learn to love myself so i have to do things to make me love me, well be talented and smart do i compare myself to harshely, i am afraid to be compared so i stay behind my shell of productive laziness, i do my shit but i dont do anything i really want to. i want to be a boy i want to be ungly and lock myself in a room until i draw well i want to burn down things if i feel like it and fuck who ever i want but in truth i dont want any of these things and i know it.
depressing ordinary college 20 yr shit

shitty fucking birthday filled with lies and deception and fucking nothing ihildshilusfhk i fucking hate it here i cant get away and it fucking nothing

i am a mosterously jealous person, or you could call it passion, or need for control, probably the last one, so lets just call it insecurity and an acceptance of the truth and understanding of the circumstance. anyway i have finally admitted to myself that i have a wandering mind, and i cant stand the thoguht of someelse feeling like me, i cant really handle being the bad way that i am, but i love it and it is a source for my humor, excitment, and "aura". i feel like your thoughts can always be felt by others.... i miss my girlfriends, i want to laugh about my secrets with alex and danielle.

just talked to sam, ui love her and shes sso beautifl she reminds me of brigette bardot

... so depressing i want to go out, so i decide to walk to the grocier store and it closes at 8 so i cant even write this comfortably. phil and stephen are here but kld;ASGFDSFDSLFD ngry t his suck i want alex here..... i want a friend.

am i really going to find a better rent than that. imake no money at the iza parler but i also get no stress whixhi i quite enjoy.... looks like if i want to lie comofrortably i better start bustin my ass trying to waitress.. idont want to be tired everyday... i cant sleep anyway, thats why i am up at 8;37 on a saturday... its okay toenails shower, dishes, a walk, pilates, paint, okay well i got on here but i dot need to write when i am in a good mood.
angelos 40th aniversry. ! .50 cent pints... today is going to be wacky

this weekend wasnt so hot for me., i tride to do fun thins but i have just been getting myself in to trouble, litteraly for the first time... o well. i am pretty nervous about money and time, and also my mom... i wan tto go home and just work full time for a year and save up money but i knw i cant do that now, i actually live adn support myself on my own i am very proud of myself... but i can see how people get sloppy and stop taking care of themselves. i am a lot better than lastt year but still... at least i am happy.

i want a new job in a healthier envirorment, where i mae tips and am surronded by people who are more into the things i am into. i am so sick of pizza grease alcohol and no futures.... no matter how nice and funny someone is they need t ahve a dream... i just dont want to be around people who setle bc eventually i might. i miss alex so much..... this isnt really how i imagined myself when i was younger and i am unhappy about that, bc i had so much ambtion and i was so good, but now i am smarter adn i am uncovering a new dream for myself. its just hard riht now bc i have no idea what i want to do or wher i want to be in a little bit, or even what i want to look like, come to realize it, even if i care, but i must otherwise i wouldnt be thinking about it. writing is good for the soul bc it allows one to move on but also words arent very useful. there's this doaist thing that i am sure i have already wrote abou that say, "anything that can be named is not real"--- i should go be a monk i have always dreamed of that or a prostitute/ stripper..... my sister always wanted to do those thigs also i miss her, i have no idea what shes doing it feel weird to call her and she is always so busy...

i keep having nightmare about highschool., that honestly was the worst most deppressing time of my life, i cant believe i let my head get so off track ,i thought life ws tht way so i tried so hard to like it but it was awful.. i want to apologize to alex and mashelll for being such a dumb asss and htank them for being with me.....
i dont even want to talk to them about it actually
freindships are so good, real ones that love actually exists in

Just walked out of class very up;set bc some Rapunzel boring girl took my seat next to phil. I guess i shouldnt have been so mad, but we all sit in the same seats everyday, s that move is just weird, plus i want to sit next to phil i miss him and i love sitting with him and writing notes. well i walked out dissappointed and angery and then phil followed ad i got mad at him bc he didnt offer to move earlier when i walked in he just pointed ot a dif seat and laughed, iguess the reason i was angery at him was bc i ws sad that he didnt wan to sit with me and i had things i wanted to tell him. i know i overreacted.... anyways i have been looking up trips to NY for the a month in the summer and working on trveling abroad for a semester... also a volenteer program for the summer.. its a lot of dif things but i hope at least one works out more hopefully 2 but i will see.
i just read DS lj and it made em freaked out he seems so ontop of college and he doesnt know what to do, and i am just fucking around trying to travel and expereaince things. i take college seriously , i study and try but not really hard, i just view this as an expeirnce no more no less bot some diving board for me to stand on while i look and ponder about the deep-end that i will eventually dive into. I just try and remind myself that i need to beleive that their is a meant way for everything to work out and i must let it flow other wise i really will srew up my life......

my first HSU dinner party, well with peopel that i met at HSU , it geisha and there is a good chef.... i feel full of energy but i also feel lethargic i jsut ant to lay in bed adn read or go fight someone, hopefully Danny Maurry he needs to get socked in the face, he doesnt know how to talk bout ladies or even girls.

i feel gross, i feel sloppy and lustful. wasteful and weak. i want to be able ot take care of myself and be strong but i want to follow what feels giid also bc i feel like some rightness will come of that. i think my inablitaty to stay very constant adn sure is the real kiler. i am trying to protect my soul but i am afriad i am destroying my brain. i want to either be free of the presures and cultural traditions or be good at useing them so as to get past them completely. i cant sleeep i feel sore and restless, i am debated weather to take five dollars from phil so i can deposite it and then get out 20, i only have 19 in my account, or just to take the five dollars and use it for laundry....

i went to patricks point beach yesterday and stephen and i hiked this beautiful waterfall cliff cove thing. we actually climbed it it was scary i really though i was going to fall and role downa cuple times but we got up and the was this inlet that ooked out over the oceand nad beach with a cliff above it also. the plants were greena dn untouched and difrent color drips, from colorful clay that washed down from heavy rains, came dwn the side of the walls to make a painting. there was spectacular mud/ clay also i ever felt somehting so perect.

we got downa dn collected drift wood to use a canvas. wnt home i cooked fish and chips, but really good from scratch kind, went to monster woman old haunt concert which was fun except i got a little cranky because we ran out of alcohol, and i didnt like my hair outfit. i feel stupid i know i really do crave alcohol when i am drinking expecially, bc i just want more, and it makes me smile when i am at school and i know i can go have aglass of wine. its so weird bc i dont even like it, when i am drunk i feel like i miss out. i feel like wheni was 16 and first started drinking just to see it in the store made me want it. its so dumb, i dont want it i dont like it i only like the buzz i get off the first glass that makes me want to talka nd paint and write. i hope i can overcome this, well i have to but i hope its a mild battle

i miss alex i really hope she is okay i cnt imagine that pain she is in and i dont want to it makes me sad, i didnt k=do anythinkg for her birthday bc i could affford it but i get to come down now so phl and i and making her a joint painting. i am excited i just want it it come very naturally, forced art is the worst

there is a big peace rally going on in the quad its neat there are drumbs and dancing people and chanting of focus the us. iw ant to be involved but it just made me so sad, the war makes me horribley sad also, i am thinking of the quote "when people are faced with extreme sorrow it mostly likely manifests in apathy" its something liekt hat by i dont know who, but the whole thing made me depressed the hippies (who i lovehate) where dancing arund and probably "dread slapping" (DG) people, and they all looked like thwey were on drugs and werent goign to do something after they left they just used the musioc to comfort themsleves into thinking they made a statement, but this school doens tneed a statement mad e it need some action taken, i watched and tried to think what i could do to help but i ended up feeling helpless insignificant and selfsih, i decided to write as my best course of action, benjamin franklin would have agreed. i hope to start writing stories or influnential essays, i need to practice,

soemthing that reall affected me was this quote
"vices are attempted short-cuts to love"

it made me feel more endeariong towards all kinds of peopele now, but i guess people already knew that sub consiopulslyl thats why the alcoholic romantic is more loved than some people who techniquly do everythigng right.

saw a great show last night country/rockabilly music

i miss sd but i love humboldt

J'amie haite a Eureka avec philip a stephen.
they are both very smart creative and fun, but almosttipnl nd /do miss beng lonely and free. he i was aloe i was so much mre critical, but maybe i am just looking on the past with a reminicent eyes. i do feel like it would be beneficial to live alone and be single for a while. i am reading eat of eden and it brought up a philosophie i havebeen afriad to explore, is contentness hapinies? yes itx nice and conforting, but is that sonething we should only engulf ourselves in in ol age. i eleive o happiness ies inexplora tion, adn that means the unknown. the unknown is fee;lings, even if these these feelings are associated or believed to be other places they are reall just hieks of thought our mind goes n fromt the expeirence. our mind must wander adn be excited, ich i feel is ht eulimate form of joy Ithe imagination--this does not mean expectations-althoug we must always have these for ourselves (goals)-- maybe this is what causes many people obsesin with youth.


i miss alex

please someone read this and philosiphize with me.